I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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