apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
