I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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