You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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