Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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