Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
