I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
