Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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