Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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