I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
