your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
