my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
