I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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