Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
