Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
