found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
