its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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