the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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