Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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