24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
