Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
