We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
