i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
