No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
