the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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