Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
