First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
