Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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