Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
