new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
