i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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