Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
