how can u be prego again
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize
