My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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