He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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