I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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