Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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