Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Dick very happy bro
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
