Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
