well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
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You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
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Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
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