You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
