Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
