I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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