Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my sisters under your porch take her home
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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