You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
did i just pee glitter
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
