The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
