Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
someone owes me an orgasm
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
