my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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