I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
