I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
