You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
