we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
