I will die if light touches me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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