Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
