The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just had sex on a roof
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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