i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
