I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I think I just sharted jello shots
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