rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
