You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
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My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
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I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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