checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
